Kosong

Post ini, adalah kata-kata personal. Mengimbau sebelum memasuki daerah baru.

Aku kini kosong.

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Berdilema sewaktu SR.

Tersasar sebentar ketika SM.

Mencari semula tarbiyah di Hidayah.

Baiki lagi di DQ.

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Satu hari, hidup seperti dihinggapi cahaya..namun hanya sebentar.

Ternyata ia menjerat apabila kejiwangan memulai langkah. Benar, aku juga rapuh. Menuruti nafsu itu terkadang terasa bahagia. Tapi cukup itu cukup! Biar berkali kali berhenti daripada terus terusan leka. Biar aku kehilangan berbanding jatuh dari landasan!

Satu hari, terasa benar makna 'erti hidup pada memberi'.

Pergi ke sana berseorangan, pulang juga berseorangan. Ketika bersama, aku tidak bersama. Tapi pemergian itu utk memberi. Sungguh aku tak tahu kalau mereka terasa 'diberi' atau tidak. Yang pasti, monolog hatiku tika itu pasti didengari. Cuma terkadang, ketagihkan dihargai.

Satu hari, terasa bercakap dengan angin itu kebahagiaan. Kerana angin itu bukan hanya angin. Bila yang bercakap dan yang menjawab itu diri sendiri, sesaat terasa kelegaan mengalir. Aku tahu, di situ pasti ada bisikan semangat dari alam ghaib.

Satu hari, bingung mana satu perlu diutamakan. Bingung siapa aku pada mereka. Bingung asyik membuat salah daripada melahirkan bangga. Bingung, apa lagi yang perlu diperbuat untuk mendapatkan bahagia mereka. Bingung apa dipedulikan kalau aku sudah tiada. Dan keputusan, diam dan buat saja. Cakap dan simpan saja. Yang penting, aku harus memberi sebelum berundur diri.

Walaupun berkali tersungkur, hingga kini, aku masih belum bersedia menduakan anginku.

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Pendek sahaja waktu yang sudah berlalu. Kelihatan pahit itu seperti debu.

Yang akan datang belum tentu lebih panjang dan indah.

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Aku terasa kembali kosong.

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Kini, bulan yang indah akan tiba untuk mencoretkan apa yang akan datang. Kekosongan ini akan diisi. Selamat datang daerah baruku, Ramadhan Kareem.

Appreciate

I desperately need appreciation.


but who would appreciate me?

Kejap, kejap.

Salam.

Ergh. EAP.

Kejap, nak meluahkan pendapat untuk menyenangkan hati. Durrr.

Well, the EAP was not that good. I was just starting to write my counter argument and refutation paragraph at the last 6 minutes, which means I have 2 more FULL paragraph to complete the 500-words essay. Whoa. That never happened in any writing examination and I was shaking like hell. I mean it, I never shook like this before.

At the end, I managed to finish it with a four-lines conclusion without a restatement of the thesis statement. =.='. I was really forgot, trying to catch the time as the teacher who was collecting the paper was just a chair away. My paper was the next. Now I see the advantage to sit at the very rear of the hall, or the very corner. We'll get extra end time. hooo.

Yesterday, was Sunday. I had my tasmi' class and I had promised to my self not to skip it in any circumstances. And up to this point, I have full attendance though sometimes I didn't really fulfill the 2-maqra' requirement. hee. For yesterday, I didn't skip it, but I requested to end it earlier because of the exam. Ustazah understood and prayed for me before I left. She prayed and I felt the strength.

As usual, I used to send a message to my parents to pray for me before any exams or quizzes. When I had my ustazah also prayed for me, it blows a hope to do the best. I really believe in the power of Doa. Very deep faith in how suprising it will work. I always leave the room with the prayer from my roommates. And I believe Doa can do just like, everything!

Now, I was just returning from my 2nd day tasmi' class for the week. And Ustazah had asked me just now, "How's the exam?". When I said it was hard, she reminded me not to stop doa. Tawakkal and believe that anything can happen. Because the power is Allahs.

Wherever I go, I'll be thinking of the EAP. What if I got C? or B-? ergh. It's a side subject which supposed to help in elevating the grade point average. Now it seems to pulling it down instead. This feeling makes me think, have I tawakkal-ed enough? What is so good of getting A? What is so bad in getting B? or C? I wonder how Allah regards this.

Why not stopping doa eventhough the exams has ended? As long as the result has not came out yet, there is nothing certain. Anything can happen. It is really anything!

Boleh jadi kertas madam nak tanda tetiba tertumpah kopi hilang tulisan, madam rasa bersalah so bagi markah tinggi.

Boleh jadi time madam tanda kertas ana, suami madam tgh puji2 madam. Dalam mood yang baik tu, madam bagi markah tinggi2.

Boleh jadi Allah hijabkan kesalahan dalam essay, madam nampak yang betul2 je.

Boleh jadi jugak, memang madam baca betul2, nampak semua kesalahan dan bagi markah rendah. Untuk jadi pengajaran pada diri.

Boleh jadi Allah nak berjayakan kita hanya kerana kita ada tolong orang miskin hari tu.

Boleh jadi Allah nak gagalkan kita hanya kerana kita ada bersangka buruk pada hari lain.

Kalau ikutkan logik, ada kaitan ke tolong orang miskin dan bersangka buruk dengan result exam? Semua benda-benda ni, as a result of our effort ke? Kalau bersengkang setiap malam, buat latihan pun..kita boleh kawal ke benda-benda ni kalau ia nak terjadi? Nak katanya, efforts are just efforts. Kalau karma kata ada in every actions ada cause and effect, Allah kata boleh jadi ada cause takde effect dan sebaliknya. Boleh jadi kita dah usaha tapi takde effect pada result. Boleh jadi kita tak dapat ulangkaji dgn baik tapi effect dia wonderful! Macam Hasan Al Banna pada zaman pelajarnya. Kalau Allah nak matikan orang, perlu ke ada reason? Possible tak orang mati with unknown reasons? Well, unknown pada ukuran manusia lah, yang takboleh nak explain. Tapi Allah sentiasa buat sesuatu dengan tujuan. The same analogy applied. Kalau Allah nak berjayakan orang, atau gagalkan orang, boleh je kalau tanpa reason. Tanpa reason logik yang kita selalu fikirkan.

So, untuk perkara2 yang diluar usaha kita, macam mana nak control? Memang tak boleh. Here comes the tawakkal and prayer. Leave everything to Allah to decide the best for us.

Tawakkal..tawakkal..doa..doa..

Ok. EAP and RIM are done. 4 to go, so keep on striving. Striving to keep the faith only to Allah, put efforts only because of Allah, and do the best because Allah encourages to do so. A, B, C and D, are just letters. Do they mean anything to Allah?

Hasbiyallahu la ilaha illa hua alaihi tawakkaltu wa hua rabbul 'arsyil 'azhim.

Amin to all prayers.

Colourful

Yeah.

The colour of my life is as colourful as this blog.

It starts shining when the person came.

He shows examples for the whole of mankind.

To be the best as a servant.

We remember him every single day.

Pay the salutation five times a day.

So long he lives in my life, so long will be my colourful life.

"Oh Allah! Bestow upon Your messenger, your apostle, Muhammad who is also our perfect and glorious leader the prayer (mercy) and salutation. The same we pray for his excellent family members and righteous companions."

Happy Maulidur Rasul :) Hayya bina ihya' assunnah.

Is that me?

From Curran & Renzetti (2000), in an article Social Problems, they made a view of people living in modern cities:

Some sociologists also believe that people who live in the cities are surrounded by others who tend to be indifferent and impersonal. Everyone tends to shut out others around them or loosen the traditional social bounds. Thus, they do not rely on each other on a personal level, are less apt to develop personal relationships or even practice discrimination. Such social structural living conditions tend to increase the likelihood of its people developing mental heath problems such as depression.

Urgh. The bold ones. In some angles, these sentences reflect my personality. And I often depressed just suddenly. I mean, the tears just flowing too hard. While hiding the crying sound from being noticed by people around, the feeling just hit my chest so violently. And I don't know why. After a few minutes, it will just stop. Now, is that a kind of mental health problem? Eww.

People always know me as an independent person. That I often eat alone, walk alone, do most of the things alone. And one can hardly ask me to be her company, which I've been longing for.

And I do, find a bit problem to develop a personal relationship. I mean, a close, intimate one.

Now, am I being hit with the crisis?

Ok. I'm not confiding anything here. If you know me, then you know me. The end.

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This thing just crossed my mind while I'm doing a practice for EAP. The quotation above is in one of the articles I need to summarize. And I suprisingly found it just like who am I, after a few times searching for the points.

p/s: EAP final test will be on this Maulidur Rasul. Pray for my friends, and I :)

..Loading..

erk.

a looooong loading.

maaf ye. tgh struggle utk menamatkan semester 2 di CFS IIUM ni.

banyak sangat dugaan belajar, urgh.

tapi tiada yang menunggu pun kan.. ?

teng!

ok. thanx.

Sebelum Cahaya

dalam mencari sinar memaafkan diri.

meninggalkan jahiliyah yang semakin sebati.

membuang segala dosa-dosa tersembunyi.

walau sehitam mana pun hati.

sekeji mana di mata insani.

Dia tetap disisi, menunggu tangisan dan taubat ruhi.

berusaha..

selagi titik hidup belum bertemu mati.

sebelum cahaya.

kembali mencari zaman kegemilangan diri.